Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
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When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, “no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter.”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”