Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

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Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.


When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.


Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?

Emergency training complete


Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.


Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.


Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it


Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS


Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.