When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*