Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true


The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register


I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”


*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.


[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…


People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out