@ZiggyMcFuknuget

Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

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@alvaxbeta

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

@Vodkantots

When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, “no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter.”

@Average_Dad1

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@UncleDuke1969

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

@Brianhopecomedy

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”