Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out