@ZiggyMcFuknuget

Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

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@AngelaEhh

Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.

@_davidlucas_

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@AlmightyBored

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.