[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
me irl
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*