[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.