[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
You Might Also Like
Wait a minute…
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
im 7 sauces long
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.