[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”


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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you


took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired


Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.


Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?


my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?


Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*


[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones


The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”


[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”


[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”