@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

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@beisswrandon

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

@trashcanbee

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@daemonic3

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME