[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
No laws when master is gone
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.