@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

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@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@_Bankrobber_

It’s cool that shopping centres have a Reservoir Dogs tribute room now.

@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@mrjohndarby

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

@desusnice

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

@mommajessiec

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

@dysalexia

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

@yonewt

It seems Bichon Frisé is a dog breed and not, as indicated in the recipe, a fancy salad green. We regret any confusion this may have caused.