[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
this article brought to you by lions
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*