[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Seems kinda suspicious
I am crying
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”