*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.