[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”


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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing


Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.


[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.



THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.


My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.


Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.