If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
Judge: your word is tennis
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.