@Instinctivetip

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

You Might Also Like

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@squirrel74wkgn

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@rickolantern

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.