Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.