@robin_991

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

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@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

@RedRegenerated

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

@tjalamont

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

@SergioValenCo

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

@evanR39

Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.

@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

@iamspacegirl

FISHING TRIP

Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*