*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
Jesus *runs across the lake crying*