Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.