marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?