Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.
– Food in my refrigerator.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!