@my_minivan_life
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
@stephenjmolloy
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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@my_minivan_life
@AndyAsAdjective
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
@jellybnbonanza
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
@AbbyHasIssues
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
@GrantTanaka
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
@RobDenBleyker
Butt weight. There’s more!
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@HomeWithPeanut
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
@krisv_723
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
@NotthatAdamWest
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.