Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks