Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You Might Also Like
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My neck, my back, my…
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.