Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”