If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.