marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl


I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,



do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify


I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.


Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.


The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.


Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO



Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.


[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.


Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito