marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.