MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.