marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask