I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.