I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.