Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one


“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other


My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.


Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?


WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle


You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting


“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.