Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]