@DothTheDoth

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

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@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@AmishPornStar1

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@chuuew

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

@kwirkyKerri

You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

@MandiAtRandom

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.