Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!


If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.


Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.


I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.


Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.


Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.


I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.


CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*