@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

You Might Also Like

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@delusions_of

If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.

@Trustedshoe

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

@LizerReal

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

@ThanosSmiling

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

@stevevsninjas

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*