“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
You Might Also Like
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Catering service
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama