Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Name this drama.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Nice try, poison.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.