Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone