Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
constantly working on myself.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed