Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.
– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
5 kinds of fear:
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues