@Smashie1

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

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@Try2StopME

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@magsaidwhat

“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj

@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@TheBoydP

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@TheFakeCNN

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues