Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
You Might Also Like
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.