Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Birds & Planes.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My patience has stretch marks.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: