Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You Might Also Like
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.