@EmaSlema
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
@ThisOneSayz
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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@EmaSlema
@Audenary
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.
PLUTO: I’m on the list.
BOUNCER: Nope.
*Jurassic World walks in*
PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
@daemonic3
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
@bellicosejason
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
@Try2StopME
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
@MaraWilson
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess Iβm back
@welone1
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
@novicefather
[interview]
“Describe yourself in 5 words.”
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
@NikiWithIssues
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
@SteveSuckington
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.