@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

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@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@daemonic3

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@MaraWilson

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

@welone1

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@SteveSuckington

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.