Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway


I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.


Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back


During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.



“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.


By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.


The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.