Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
This checks out
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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