@sammyrhodes

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

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@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

@JustDontBugMe

Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.

@iAmJuddy

Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.