“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
You Might Also Like
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh