Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You Might Also Like
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.