My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please take off your sombrero
Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.