@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

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@broken_rhi

My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.

@ashlar36

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@robdelaney

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.