@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

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@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@BadMikeyBad

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@PearlsFromMyrna

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

@Darlainky

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

@MissSassy_Pants

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.