Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You Might Also Like
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?