Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Not all heroes wear capes…
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.