Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.