Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.