Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.