In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Tremendous stuff
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My daily affirmation
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA