Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.