[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
#Caturday
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents