Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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In Canada they just call them geese
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Those are good neighbors.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago