Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

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In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There’s apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.



judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.


Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”


Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.


You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.