Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

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*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!


I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon


Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.


Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror


I don’t think I’ve identified with a generational meme so much in my whole life.


my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself


*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared


Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.