Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked