[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
Not too much haha you?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic
Me *texting her back from motel room* am I
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
King Solomon: more porcupines