@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

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@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@Tw1tter_K1tten

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

@smithsara79

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@RickAaron

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@DarkInjustices

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

@HousewifeOfHell

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.