@WilliamRodgers: 18 is TOO young to get married! You can't even buy booze at 18! If you can't buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!

@susie_qsie: Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months? Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@EJGomez: God: ok u can make one human that's it Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

@celticrose2312: I bought shampoo for "badly behaved" hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.