@Paige__xxx
@fanaticalscribe This makes me crack up every time I see it.
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@fanaticalscribe 
@leshnevsky Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!
@AimeeHelene1 (Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
@HeelyRiddler for all #parents out there
@dannyboy7813 First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
@aissalanis “Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
@CeruleanGates The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
@Reverend_Scott If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
@Brampersandon_ MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
@GraceSpelman This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
