Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Lisabug74

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

@therichards5

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

@CyborgHanky

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@mattZillaaaa

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@DCpierson

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@Scottzilla667

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*