Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.


Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun


Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you


One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV


A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is


How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?


*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*