MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.

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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.


It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.


Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol


DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*


I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”


I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.


Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”


*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost