MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I feel it
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.