Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.