Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I鈥檓 burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that鈥檚 organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald鈥檚
[McDonald鈥檚]
Me: we鈥檒l have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 馃檪
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Hey鈥hat鈥檚 not the wallet inspector
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira鈥檚 hips: YES!
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I鈥檓 on the run.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
That time Alicia messaged me
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn鈥檛 exist and is just apart of my imagination
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili鈥檚 gift card* I hate you guys
I didn鈥檛 eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I鈥檓 on the Marie Kondo diet now.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat