STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Karma: Do you believe in me?
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?
Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.
How to fall downstairs……
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.