Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

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STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that


If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.


[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…


If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.


Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you


Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?


Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.


How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12


Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.