Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born