Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

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If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.


I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.



first guy in hell:


first guy in hell:


first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.


People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.


my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples


Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.


This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.