@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

You Might Also Like

@DaHess1

If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.

@LindseyEllison2

I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

@TheAndrewNadeau

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@OctopusCaveman

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@MODAT

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.