Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
You Might Also Like
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.