@TheAlexNevil

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

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@steeve_again

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this โ€œspecial placeโ€ they said was here for me

@samthe8th

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@sarcasm_inc

“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@VisionBored1

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOUโ€™RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@TheTweetOfGod

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD