Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad